Harry Potter and the End of the World

[spqrblues]

So, there you are, thinking to yourself, I'm not a Harry Potter fan. Is there any reason at all for me to see this movie? Until the full review is ready, here's a summary so you can avoid the theatre but still nod knowledgeably as your Harry-Potter-fan friends rhapsodise, followed up by brief commentary on The Day After Tomorrow, so you can then hide in your survival shelter.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Starring: Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson, Rupert Grint, Gary Oldman, David Thewlis, Michael Gambon, Emma Thompson, Robbie Coltrane, and a glimpse or two of Alan Rickman
Director: Alfonso Cuarón, who is not Chris Columbus
MPAA says: PG for frightening moments, creature violence and mild language
Running time: 139 minutes
Release date: June 4, 2004

Harry's third year at Hogwarts, during which he is menaced by Sirius Black, escapee from Wretchedly Evil Wizards Prison, lasts approximately as long as the Trojan War, and goes something like this:

Harry, adolescent wizard: Sucks to be on vacation from school. Oh, good, time to go back to school.
Nazgul: Garrgh.
Harry: (faints)
Dumbledore: I've inherited the role of headmaster.
Lupin: I have the role of the new Defense Against the Dark Arts instructor. Everything about me is suspicious.
Snape: (stalks in, glowers)
Outside Food Critic: Whee! Alan Rickman! In black!
Hagrid: (is big)
Malfoy: (is whining git)
Lady in painting: (is played by Dawn French)
Hippogriff in CG: (is seriously cool)
Hippogriff in animatronics: (is seriously lame)
Sekrit map: (is pretty)
Orlando Bloom: (is not in this movie, but is seriously pretty)
All Hell: (breaks loose)
Harry: Andway apzay! (miracle occurs)
Ron: Bloody hell!
Nazgul: Garrrgh.
Lupin: My deep dark secret is both obvious and a thinly veiled metaphor.
Sirius Black: (explains plot)
Outside Food Critic: (looks for someone to ask whether there are any... cousins in this movie)
Ron: Bloody hell!
Snape: (glowers)
Outside Food Critic: whee!
Nazgul: Garrrrrgh! Isn't anyone paying attention?
Harry: Akefay atinlay! (miracle occurs)
Ron: Bloody hell!
Hermione: (saves day)
Harry: (flies broom into camera)
Credits: (are pretty, but extremely long, with a minor Easter Egg at the end and a kind of nifty bit if you keep an eye out for "the Owlery")
Box office: (rakes in the moolah)

A brief summary of:

The Day After Tomorrow
Starring: Dennis Quaid, Jake Gyllenhaal, Emmy Rossum, Ian Holm, Dash Mihok, three of the Four Horseman, a cute dog, and a pack of badly animated wolves
Director: Roland Emmerich
MPAA says: PG-13 for intense situations of peril
Running time: 89 minutes
Release date: May 28, 2004
Product placements: Wendy's and the Weather Channel (seriously)

The end of the world goes something like this:

First half of movie: All hell breaks loose, and it looks fabulous.
Second half of movie: People are cold.

Oh, and Canada is eaten by hurricanes. Woe, Canada.

I most definitely need a nap.

Comments

[buymeaclue.livejournal.com]

Outside Food Critic: (looks for someone to ask whether there are any... cousins in this movie)

Oh, good. Not just me.

[meritahut.livejournal.com]

Thank goodness, someone else.

And if my summary seems disjointed, it's becuase I couldn't make out the logic of the plot even after one of the characters spent several minutes explaining it.

To quote (or possibly paraphrase) Hermione when Harry says it all makes sense: "No, not really."

[matociquala.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I normally don't look for HoYay! in my Harry Potter (unlike much of my flist) but it wasn't just you. Or you, for that matter.

[ktempest.livejournal.com]

can i confess something to you? i thought it was horrible. I love HP, you know I do, but even *I* could not follow the 'plot' of this movie. Oh lordy, save me. I think it's horrible! they left so many KEY things out. and I'm not just talking about stuff like "Oh, but in the bedroom there is a widget on the wall that is SO IMPORTANT". I'm talking about stuff like why the hell any of the characters were in the situation they were in.

And there was NOT enough alan rickman. Snape was all over that book, where was he in the movie? Hiding from the bad fucking script and the bad fucking acting. I'm scared of what they are going to do to book 4.

There there

[meritahut.livejournal.com]

Poor man had one good scene (Open your books to page 304... or words to that effect), and most of that was in the trailer, anyway. I was disappointed when Harry just sorta wiggles in Snape's direction and wipes him out for an entire scene. Is that how it is in the book -- Harry is that powerful?

I kinda ran out of steam halfway through writing my "real review" of the movie, so maybe tomorrow on that. But I'm still kinda confuzzled by the whole movie, which doesn't make for much coherency.

Re: There there

[ktempest.livejournal.com]

I was disappointed when Harry just sorta wiggles in Snape's direction and wipes him out for an entire scene. Is that how it is in the book -- Harry is that powerful?

Not with an Expelliamus spell, he isn't. In the book, Harry, Ron, & Hermione all did a different spell on Snape at once which had the effect of blowing him into the wall WAY harder than he would have been if just one of them had done it. Just one of the things in the movie I don't see why they changed. they really ruined that whole 'recognition' scene where Sirus and Lupin explain everything. It just makes no sense...

[arjuni.livejournal.com]

Personally, I'm beginning to think HP will need "cousins" before long. All those hormonally-charged glares Herm and Ron are throwing each other are making me wonder about the other side of the sexual equation.

Either that, or I'm just an equal-opportunity lech. ;)

--Kris

Summaries

[(Anonymous)]

Bwahahahaha!

Great HP summary. Haven't seen the movie yet, and now I don't need to!

I especially love:
All Hell: (breaks loose)

::snicker::

And -- Woe, Canada? ::snarf:: Bwahahahaha!

--Robin

Re: Summaries

[meritahut.livejournal.com]

When I was little I had a book of... what in the world were they called...? Snigglets? They were mini-recaps, in verse I think, of great literature. I'd forgotten about that entirely until I started thinking about the "genre" and its origins and inspirations. And other such academic-sounding talk.

"Hamlet in 15 Minutes," a play that devolves into "Hamlet in 1 minute" for the encore, is burst-your-sides funny when seen in live performance. I saw it umpteen years ago off-Broadway somewhere, but I believe it's one of those acting-troupe staples that shows up a lot, and I highly recommend it if you have a chance to catch it.

In the meantime, there's always: Book-A-Minute (http://www.rinkworks.com/bookaminute)